My situation is nothing new. Transgenderism appears throughout history and is documented worldwide. Medical advances in this century have made it possible for male-to-female transsexuals to achieve an external physiology that is nearly identical to that of genetic females. Of course, internal physiology is a different matter. No amount of medical magic can transform a 46XY genetic male into a 46XX genetic female, nor can it provide the internal organs necessary to conceive and bear a child.

Most people don't differentiate between sex and gender. Basically, sex is biological and physiological and gender is psychological and social. There really isn't much difference between men and women physiologically -- just a chromosome and a couple of chemical levels. The bulk of the difference is psychological and social. From the earliest age, boys are expected to act one way, and girls are expected to act another way. Because these social pressures are so pervasive, they almost seem natural unless you step back and think about them.

So, is this a sex issue?

Because the word transsexual has the word "sex" in it, people often think it's mostly about sex. While that's sometimes part of it, transsexuals are usually more interested in getting their bodies to match their feelings and thus to have a body and personality that are consistent and harmonious with each other.

So, this is a gender issue?

Yes. There are many kinds of transgendered people, and among them are transsexuals. Transgendered is a general term for crossdressers, transsexuals, female and male impersonators, drag queens/kings, intersexuals, gender dysphorics, and those for whom other gender labels do not fit. I usually tell people I'm a pre-op(erative) transsexual to be specific, and that I'm part of the transgendered community, which encompasses all of us.

I understand your situation. After all, I saw "Tootsie."

No. It's not like "Tootsie," or "Some Like It Hot," or "Bosom Buddies" or "Mrs. Doubtfire." Comedies like those are funny because the male characters are forced by necessity to dress as women, after which the hilarity and hijinks ensue. The Ladies' Night guys for Bud Light are funny in the same way, because in the real world they would never pass as women. Let us hope that I am not (or at least not quite) as humorous for the same reason.

So, more like RuPaul?

No. RuPaul is a drag queen. They are entertainers who use excessive femininity in their acts. "Torch Song Trilogy," "La Cage Aux Folles," "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert," "Birdcage," "Paris is Burning" -- they're all about drag queens. In the same vein are female illusionists whose goal is to portray a convincing act of feminity onstage and sometimes off. Maybe you saw "The Crying Game" or are familiar with Cleveland's Paradise Club? These are examples of very good female illusionists (they get touchy about the word "impersonator," and you don't want one of them mad at you).

So, it's crossdressing?

No. Crossdressers derive sexual and/or emotional satisfaction from touching or wearing women's clothing. Crossdressing is generally considered to be a rather harmless fetishistic behavior, wherein sexual pleasure is derived from an inanimate object rather than with a (more traditional) human sexual partner. Although there are some females that crossdress, almost all crossdressers are straight males. The list is long and distinguished, including J. Edgar Hoover, Ernest Hemingway, Dennis Rodman, and a huge list of other rather masculine men. The generally accepted number is around 1 in 50 men. Think about the area where you work and do the math. There's probably half-a-dozen (or more) on each of the 4th and 5th floors of the Tech Center.

So, are you a hermaphrodite?

What I have been describing so far is what I'm not. I hope I've been clear. Just for completeness, one last thing that I'm not is intersexed. An intersexual (hermaphrodite) is a person who is born between (inter) sexes, and having partially or fully developed pairs of both female and male sex organs. "Intersexual" is usually preferred over the word "hermaphrodite." These conditions are genetic and occur about as frequently as twins. This is not the case with me.

OK, OK. You're a transsexual. What does that really mean?

I'm not sure I can adequately answer that without first talking a little bit about the people and organizations that are responsible for defining such things. First, there is the DSM-IV, which stands for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, and the ICD-10, which is the International Classification of Diseases-10. All mental health care professionals that are worth their salt use one or both of these references as their "bible". They contain a vast amount of information regarding all types of mental disorders, their diagnosis and treatment.

The word "transsexual" was coined in the 1950's as a term for a person who aspired to or actually lived in the gender role that was opposite to that of their biological sex. In 1980, the DSM-III introduced a somewhat more quantified diagnosis for Transsexualism: individuals who demonstrated at least two years of continuous interest in removing their sexual anatomy and transforming their bodies and social roles were diagnosed as "Transsexuals".

In 1994, the DSM-IV replaced the diagnosis of Transsexualism with Gender Identity Disorder, which was exemplified by those with a strong and persistent cross gender identification and a persistent discomfort with his or her sex or a sense of inappropriateness in the gender role of that sex. While the Gender Identity Disorder diagnosis seems, on the surface, to be more general, it is, in my opinion, actually a much more succinct and explicit description of the emotional turmoil faced by a transsexual.

The ICD-10 definition of Transsexualism is essentially a combination of the DSM-III and DSM-IV definitions, and quantifies its diagnosis by the following three criteria:

1. The desire to live and be accepted as a member of the opposite sex, usually accompanied by the wish to make his or her body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatment.

2. The transsexual identity has been present persistently for at least two years.

3. The disorder is not a symptom of another mental disorder or a chromosomal abnormality.

In this country, the DSM is the more commonly used reference work. The removal, in DSM-IV, of the classification "Transsexual" as a diagnosable mental disorder has several very important ramifications. First, and most important, is that it indicates that the psychlogical community has recognized that an otherwise "normal", productive member of society can have a legitimate feeling that the sex of their body doesn't match the sex of their personality (their gender identity), and that such a person is not "mentally ill", or perverted, and doesn't need to be (and cannot be) "cured" by any amount of psychotherapy.

What this really means is that when a person first seeks professional psychological assistance in dealing with their conflicting physical/emotional gender attributes, they are diagnosed as having a Gender Identity Disorder. In general terms, the person is referred to as being "Gender Dysphoric", which means that the person displays "confusion" about their Gender Identity. When that person presents an entirely consistent and persistent gender identity that is opposite to what is considered "normal" for their biological sex, but is evaluated as being an otherwise sane, functioning, responsible member of society with no other emotional issues that could account for or be influencing their cross-gendered feelings, and demonstrates this on an ongoing basis to a sufficient number of both medical and mental heath professionals, and for a sufficient length of time that those professionals would spot any inconsistencies, that person is no longer considered to be Gender Dysphoric, but rather to be a Transsexual.

In other words, once a Gender Dysphoric person convinces enough medical/psychlogical professionals that they really aren't confused about their Gender Identity, they "graduate" from being Gender Dysphoric to the position of Transsexual. At this point, the person becomes eligible for treatment of their discomfort as a medical condition, through the administration of hormones and eventual Genital Reconstructive Surgery. If you think about it, even the phrase "Genital Reconstructive Surgery" carries a connotation of correcting a physical defect or deficiency. This is, in fact, the case; a Transsexual is treated very similarly to a person with a correctable physical birth defect.

This removes some of the negative stigma from being a transsexual, while leaving in place a mechanism whereby people in my position can seek assistance in resolving our contradictory gender identity vs. physical manifestation situation. It also lays the groundwork for having insurance providers recognize and cover some of the expense of the transition.

Here's the kicker to all this: graduating from Gender Dysphoric to Transsexual isn't the end of the line. You don't automatically get a prescription for hormones and an appointment with a surgeon. In fact, your emotional state and transitional progress are scrutinized at least as closely as during your initial "probation period", but at less frequent intervals. However, this is done to guide and assist in the transition rather than as additional diagnostic procedure. This process, and the rate at which it proceeds are somewhat flexible, but only somewhat.

The basic transition process itself is defined by a set of guidelines established by the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association. This association is comprised of both medical and mental health professionals who are well versed in "sexual variation", and has published an internationally recognized and accepted document called "The Standards of Care for Gender Identity Disorders". I'm inclined to think that the name of this document should provide a pretty good clue as to what it's all about. All reputable and responsible mental health professionals who counsel and provide therapy to people with gender identity issues, and all physicans (typically endocrinologists and surgeons) who provide hormone therapy and/or Genital Reconstruction Surgery services subscribe to and adhere to these standards.

The Standards of Care provide for the presentation of various psychological and/or medical options for treatment of Transsexualism, along with criteria for elegibility and readiness to pursue those various options.

For example, an older transsexual may be medically ineligible for hormone therapy due to a history of heart disease. Severe obesity, at any age, is another disqualifer for the administration of hormones. Believe me, no endocrinologist in their right mind is going to prescribe cross-sex hormones unless he/she is as certain as it's possible to be that the risk to the patient is minimal. Notice the emphasis on the word minimal. Any time you tamper with your body's chemical balance to the extent required to cause physical feminization or masculinization, you're taking a risk. To give you an idea of the magnitude of this tampering, the dosage of estrogen that I take is between 8 and 12 times what is typically prescribed as Hormone Replacement Therapy for a post-menopausal genetic female.

The risks associated with hormone therapy are much greater for MTF's than for FTM's, and are primarily in the form of phlebitis (inflammation of the veins and arteries in the legs), which can lead to blood clots and thence to pulmonary embolism, which is frequently fatal. The risk is not great, but neither is it negligible. I definitely feel that it's worth the risk, even if only for the state of emotional well-being that the hormones have induced. However, I'm also starting to see some physical changes, and I find that both exciting and pleasing. My body is starting to develop the way it should have over 30 years ago. It's sort of like having a second puberty, but this time I'm doing it right!

Alright, what does all that psycho-babble really mean?

I know that was alot of heavy-duty stuff, but I think it's significant to this discussion for one very important reason: there are enough people like me in the world that the psychological/medical community has recognized our plight and is trying very hard to assist us. This has taken the form of continuing research in both the psychological and medical fields, which, in turn, has caused the evolution of the psychological standards by which we are diagnosed, evaluated and treated, and led to many advancements in the techniques of and satisfaction with Genital Reconstructive Surgery (GRS).

However, to answer your question, I feel that my body does match the way I think, feel and relate to other people, and further, that those feelings don't mean that I'm a freak, a pervert or crazy. The medical and psychological communities both agree with this and recognize my condition as one that is correctable through medical means. If you want a grin, just try thinking of me as being "genitally challenged".

There's another example of this concept that's totally unrelated to any gender issues, but that was, at one time, treated as a "mental disorder" of sorts. During the '50s and even into the '60s, many grade schools had a program wherein left-handed childred were forced to function as right-handed. This was "for their own good, since it's a right-handed world". Left-handed children were forced to write right-handed by such means as taping a pencil in their right hand and tying their left hand behind them. You may be old enough to remember such things, or even to have witnessed it or (God forbid) had it done to you.

Eventually, psychologists/psychiatrists figured out that this wasn't changing left-handed people into right-handed people, it was simply creating alot of very screwed-up left-handed people. Essentially, the message sent to those left-handed children was "You were born with a right hand, so you're going to use it like every other normal right-handed person, and you're going to enjoy it!"

I don't mean to sound crude, but to me, this seems alot like, "You were born with male genitalia, so you're going to use it like every other normal male person, and you're going to enjoy it!" Evidently, it sounds that way to the medical/psychological community as well. Which is why they are no longer trying to fix something that "ain't broke."

I know, your next comment is going to be, "that's not a good analogy because left-handed people don't have their right hands removed!" Actually, it's an excellent analogy when you look at it from the right perspective, which is, if a person is born left-handed and with a correctable birth defect that interfered with the full use of his/her left hand, the medical community would go out of their way to provide corrective surgery.

So, are you, like, gay or something?

Overall, a person's sexual identity, which defines the parameters for their sexual behavior, has three major components:

2. Physiological sex. Being physically male (e.g. 46XY) or female (46XX).

4. Gender identity. This is a person's internal psychological/emotional perception of themself and the way they relate to and interact with others at a social and emotional level.

6. Sexual orientation. This is the physical sex of the individual(s) that a person prefers as sexual partners.

Gender identity and sexual orientation are separate and immutable personality traits, that are unrelated to each other and to a person's physical sex, although most people don't think about them in this way. There are gay males who consider themselves to be both male and masculine, and have no inclination towards, or interest in becoming female. On the other hand, a male-to-female transsexual who prefers males as sexual partners does not consider herself to be gay. Male-female sexual relations are considered to be heterosexual ("normal") and the MTF considers herself to be female.

As you may be starting to gather by now, human sexuality and behavior is not a set of two discrete points, heterosexual genetic male and heterosexual genetic female, but rather is a continuum of behaviors with enormous range and depth. It is both the separation and the immutability of an individual's Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation that has caused both homosexuality and transsexualism to be removed from the DSM-IV in the context of being mental disorders.

While transsexuals are different from gays and lesbians, we have many of the same issues, since we are all going against what society has constructed as appropriate gender behavior. The Stonewall Riot that sparked the gay rights movement in this country was instigated by drag queens, which is why they marched first in the Stonewall 25 parade. Several women's groups have also embraced our issues, most recently the National Organization of Women. NOW has acknowledged that transsexuals totally disrupt gender-based stereotypes by forcing people to think about how much of it is merely social instead of "natural."

How did you get this way?

The plain truth is, nobody knows what causes this, although theories abound. Many people believe there is a biological component. The most common theory involves hormones affecting fetal brain development. However, nobody knows for sure. Personally, I believe that there is a biological/genetic factor involved, since I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and I don't have any memories of anyone trying to indoctrinate (brainwash) me, at the age of 4, to believe that I was a girl.

I don't think of being transsexual as a blessing or a curse. I just think of it as a trait, like being left-handed or tall. Unfortunately, any trait carries with it certain social stereotypical presumptions. The misconceptions that transsexuals have to deal with are that it's all about sex, or that we're just gay people who hate being gay, or that we're "just confused" or crazy. I just find that living and interacting with others as a female feels right.

However, even though I consider transsexualism to be simply a physical and psychological trait, I think of my transition from male life-scenario to female to be the greatest adventure of my life, because it's truly a journey of self-realization at the most fundamental level.

How did you know?

I knew something was up from earliest memory. I have quite a number of specific memories from when I was around 3 or 4. I frequently thought I was a girl when I was little, which I liked, a lot. Until I was about 9 or 10, my older sister treated me as her "little sister", which felt entirely natural to me at the time and was fun for both of us. I should point out that this scenario in no way resembled some of the "forced feminization" fantasies that people write about in porno magazines, or that you see on the Jerry Springer show. My sister had really wanted a baby sister instead of a baby brother, and I was more than happy to oblige her, as it was consistent with how I perceived myself anyway. I consider her treatment of me as positive reinforcement, without which I might not have survived in an emotional sense. My memories of her acceptance of me as a girl are some of the fondest from my childhood. Conversely, when my older brother treated me as his "little brother", it felt unnatural to me and I had no interest in the types of things he tried to get me to do with him. The memories of my feelings about those times with my brother are mostly concerned with how hard I had to try to do and/or like things in which I had no interest or actively disliked.

At this 9/10 age, my parents began to realize that my behavior was not simple children's make-believe and forced my sister to "stop encouraging him". This was coupled with my parents' efforts to make me feel as ashamed and guilty as they could, for being "sick", "perverted" ("What would the neighbors think?!") or "abnormal", the latter being the kindest of the adjectives they used. As you might guess, this was very confusing to me and, of course, had no effect whatsoever on how I perceived myself, only on how open I could be about my feelings and emotions.

As I entered my teenage years, I also started to have a lot of problems with neighbors and classmates because my behavior was effeminate, so I made every effort to act the way boys were expected to act, even though I still hadn't a clue as to how to go about this. I mimicked the behavior of other boys as best I could, even though it felt neither natural nor comfortable.

This was an extremely difficult period of my life (remember your own teenage years?) because I always wanted to be friends with the (other) girls, but they weren't interested in that because I was a boy. I didn't fit in with the boys either, because I truly didn't understand them or their emotions or their behaviors, nor did I have "traditionally masculine interests". To make matters worse, I started growing hair on my face and body (ugh!) and other things that should have started growing (such as breasts), didn't.

Nonetheless, I eventually developed a repertoire of external behaviors that allowed me to (more or less) convince my parents and others that I had "grown out of it" and was now reasonably "normal". You might think of this as a complex "male emulator program" with a highly interactive (though not always user-friendly) Graphical User Interface.

Eventually, even I decided I could manage/suppress my inner feelings without doing anything about them. In other words, I was continually trying to debug and refine my "male emulator program". However, you know what happens when you keep making changes to the same program over and over again: it eventually stops working. There are just too many "special cases" and "boundary conditions"! To top it off, I was trying to run my male emulator program under a female operating system! (I suppose I could continue the metaphor to cover the I/O architecture, but I think you get the idea.)

Many years ago, I realized that I was getting more and more unhappy because I wasn't addressing those feelings. I started therapy and had many discussions with my psychologist about my gender identity. Unfortunately, he also uncovered several other major issues that I needed to resolve before I could proceed with a gender transition. This took many years, during which I continued to ignore and/or suppress my real feelings and emotions.

Eventually, I reached a point where I could not go any further with therapy for those other issues unless I acknowledged and accepted my true self. Even though I was "intellectually" aware of both the nature of and the solutions to my other problems, I didn't have the emotional strength to deal with them simply because it took all my emotional energy to try to maintain the pretext of being male. There was no way that I could feel valid about myself as a human being, because the person that everyone else saw was just a complex set of contrived behaviors intended to keep people from seeing the real me. I could not feel valid about or within this male persona, simply because it wasn't real, wasn't me.

As is often the case with transgendered persons, I actually had to be presented with an emotional equivalent of the "irresistable force vs. immovable object" scenario, before I could openly acknowledge and embrace the fact that that I truly was female, that I wanted and needed to live my life as a female, and, most importantly, that both of those things were OK. For me, it came down to two choices: I could live my life in a way that's consistent with who I really am, or I could die. Obviously, I chose door number one.

I have a transgendered friend (MTF) with whom I share a great deal of common history in terms of emotional development. She's about 9 years older than I and was unaware of the possiblities for Genital Reconstructive Surgery until much later in her life than I became aware of them. (Remember, as medical technology goes, this field is still relatively new.) She also knew that she was "different" at the ripe old age of 4, but didn't think she could do anything about it. Eventually, she felt she could no longer live the way she was, but her religion forbids suicide. She reasoned that if she couldn't take her own life, she could give it away as long as it was for a useful purpose. She volunteered for and served 2 back-to-back tours in Viet Nam as a combat helicopter pilot, and was decorated numerous times for valor. The only problem (for her) was that she kept coming back.

After the war, she moved to New York City, was accepted at the Police Acadamy and became a police officer. She served in this capacity for 8 years, again earning numerous citations for valor, along with being shot 4 times and having her nose broken 8 times, etc. It was during her time in New York that she discovered that there is hope for people in her situation. At that time, the Harry Benjamin (remember the Standards of Care?) Gender Dysphoria Institute was in New York and was pretty much the only place in the U.S. that had a legitimate gender transition program for transsexuals. For her, this was truly a life-saving discovery, and her road became one that was, for the first time, worth traveling.

The point of all this is that my friend's story is all too common in the transgendered community. The pain of living lives that are so inconsistent with our true identities drives many of us to seek any way we can find to stop the pain. Some are regrettably successful at taking their own lives in a very direct fashion. Others, such as the friend I've described, do so by placing their lives at risk, either knowingly and deliberately, or unconsiously.

I was doing this unconsiously, by simply working myself to death. It finally came to a point where both my psychologist and my family doctor said, "If you don't stop working yourself this way, it's going to kill you!". The first few times I ignored this, but their warnings became increasingly intense and emphatic. Many of you know how many times I've worked well over 24 hours straight, and how many times I've worked 16-hour days for weeks on end. This took its toll on me and, eventually, I collapsed from it. Even after I recovered, I went back to the same old work habits, because I was still trying to feel some validity in my life.

Back in December, my psychologist was brow-beating me (again) with this warning. He suggested that I use some of my masculine personality traits to give me the strength to be able to say "no" when I'm asked to work unreasonable hours. Of course, this didn't go over well with me, since I don't consider myself to be male or masculine. However, this was just the "edge" that I needed to be "pushed-over". It was at this time that I realized the there was no way that I could ever feel any validity as a human being, as long as I was trying to be something that I wasn't: male. The next thought through my head was that validity as a human being comes when you're born, and that validity gives a person the right to live their life as who they really are (within legal/ethical limits, of course).

Of course, my shrink had been telling me these things for years. I just couldn't see it until it was my idea. During that session with him last December, I (very heatedly) informed him that I wanted no part of masculine personality traits because I wasn't male, and furthermore, if my parents couldn't take my real identity away from me, I sure as hell wasn't going to let him do it!

That emotional crisis was the turning point in my life when I realized that if I didn't live my life as who I really am, that life would never be worth living, and I'd simply continue working myself to death (literally). Our discussion continued with him saying (gently), "I know that you're female, but that means that in order to live a decent life, with any sort of happiness, and with the strength to stand-up for yourself, that you're going to have to live your life as a woman, and that means you'll have to go through a sex change, surgery and all." My reply was, "Then that's what it means!"

I had never been so certain about anything in my life, and that certainty has never waivered since that day. In fact, with that one statement, I felt that the weight of the world had been lifted from me, and that I was finally free from the requirement that I live my life in a way that others expected me to. This also empowered me to free myself of all the other issues I'd been struggling with for so long.

An interesting side-effect of all this is that I began my gender transition process after having fully demonstrated (to my psychologist) the nature of my gender identity and after having resolved my other psychological issues. My own acceptance and acknowledgement (read that as "open declaration") of my female gender identity was, in fact, the key to resolving those other issues. This is somewhat different from that path followed by most transsexuals, in that they enter therapy with the intent of having sex-change surgery, and during that therapy, all sorts of other emotional issues crawl out of the woodwork: Issues that are generally, in some way tied to the feelings of shame and guilt that come from the fact that we're not "normal".

I have never been uncertain about my gender identity, but I've hidden it from others out of fear of losing what little credibility I'd seemed to have acquired within the scope of the "male" persona that I affected for everyone else's view. I've ignored and suppressed my real self and my real emotions, but I never truly lost them. Evidently, my psychologist hadn't forgotten about them either, and the fact that he took me on a different path all those years ago saved me from becoming a woman that was still packing around a whole lot of emotional baggage. It also put me way ahead of the game in terms of my gender transition, in that I'd already met the psychological standards for starting hormone therapy and, at this point, can schedule my gender reassignment surgery any time.

Why are you switching at work?

There are still a number of practical aspects of the transition that I need to address. These include telling everyone outside of work, having electrolysis to remove my facial hair (yeouch!), continuing with hormone therapy, trying to develop a more feminine voice, and making plans for cosmetic surgery. I have already legally changed my name and all documents, even though when I did so, I still was not planning on a gender transition; I had hoped that by taking a gender-ambiguous name, I could placate my inner self and continue on as a biological male.

One somewhat humorous note in regards to the electrolysis: anyone who thinks that transsexuals are "wimps" or "sissies" has never had an electrologist poke an electrified needle into their upper lip for 2-3 straight hours, week after week after week..... Think about it!

Most of these things are proceeding well and according to plan. My family, friends outside of work, and all the other people at Flex, have been aware of my transition since mid-January. In fact, I've been living as a female outside of work since that time. Almost all who know have been considerate and supportive, especially my co-workers at Flex.

The final stage of the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care is the Real Life Experience, or, as some call it, the Real Life Test, which involves living as a member of the desired sex for a period of time. This is to help transsexuals determine if sex-reassignment surgery is right for them. Most mental health professionals require a minimum of one year in the Real Life Experience before giving their approval for Genital Reconstructive Surgery. That's the stage that I've entered and that's why I am talking to you now. I've been trying to make gradual changes in my appearance and in the way I dress, in the hope that you will find it easier to deal with my transition. Personally, I have a hard time with the term Real Life Test. To me, this is simply Real Life... for the first time in my life!

Genital Reconstructive Surgery is the final event in the sex-reassignment procedure. Although transsexuals have no reproductive organs (uterus/ovaries), the final result is cosmetically and functionally indistinguishable from that of genetic females. Some decide not to have this surgery, but I plan to have it as soon as I can afford it.

So, when do you appear on Jerry Springer?

Every group has its share of kooks and idiots. Unfortunately, that's true of transsexuals, too. The problem is, the morons who go on shows like Jerry Springer end up getting more media coverage than the doctors, lawyers, and other professionals I know. There are many professionals who are transsexual, leading normal lives and seeking to blend into society rather than stand out. That's my goal as well.

The other group of transsexuals who get noticed are those who do not "pass" well. While they should get as much respect as those who do pass, they must deal with additional discrimination and harrassment. They also have become the cliché of what a transsexual is, since those who do "pass" well don't even get noticed.

I'm sure you have encountered several transsexuals without even knowing. However, as I'm sure you've noticed, I'm not one of those who are fortunate (pretty) enough to go about their lives without getting "read" very often. While I'm certainly not ashamed to be a transsexual, I do own a mirror, and I know that I'm not a very attractive woman. Moreover, even if I was prone to self-delusion (which I don't think I am), there are plenty of people who are willing to point out to me (in great detail) that I'm not very attractive or feminine. I hope that you will not pass judgement on me, nor on other transgendered people because of this, but instead, try to see that I, and others like me try very hard to at least present ourselves neatly and tastefully.

When does your she-male porno flick hit the stores?

Another thing that doesn't help the issue is the sexualization of the transsexual condition by the sex industry. Some people consider transsexuals exotic. Because all of this transition stuff is very expensive, and since a lot of teenage transsexuals are kicked out of their houses or driven out of school, they have limited financial options. Some turn to sex work to survive. The porno industry is always ready to exploit fetishes, so it's a lucrative option for some. I feel they have every right to do what they must to survive, however, it doesn't help those of us who don't want to be objectified or considered sexual novelties.

What if I call you the wrong name, or refer to you as "he" or "him" instead of "she" or "her"?

I know that it's going to happen. I understand that it will take a while to make the adjustment. Don't worry about it. You'll use what you are used to, even if you're trying hard not to. I'm not touchy about it when I know that someone is trying and I'll try to maintain a good sense of humor about the whole thing. I know this is prime comedy material, and I can laugh along with good-natured joking. (No, a lobotomy is not part of a sex change, even though I've told many of the same jokes about it that you've probably heard. After all, telling such jokes was part of my "cover", part of the "traditional male behavior pattern".)

To those of you who have already expressed your desire to continue a friendly working relationship with me, and/or who have made an effort to acknowledge and accept my situation and adjust to it by trying to use my new name and the correct pronouns ("she" and "her"), I can only say that I haven't the words to tell you how much I appreciate it. In the final analysis, I'm not asking for any special priviledges or treatment, but simply to be treated as a human being, to be treated as you would treat any other woman. Those of you who have already done this will always occupy a very special place in my heart.

Everyone is welcome to talk to me. I'm happy to answer any questions (well, almost any), and I assure you, I am very familiar with being descrete.