This will be short as we are about to leave
to get the ferry. The plane leaves at 12:10 pm our time -- can't believe
I had to be up at 5:40 to get the ferry etc.!!! Hank says we have to leave
NOW -- so I will be in touch!
Love,
Sherry
Wed, 17 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy
Just a short message tonight. We got here
fairly late, but met up with Bonnie and are at her house. Alex's appt. is
tomorrow at 1 pm for her prelim work -- then surgery the next day at 9
AM.
We went out for Japanese food tonight --
delicious, and it is so nice to be at Bonnie's. Good friends are life's most
valuable asset, aren't they?
Love to all
Sherry
Wed, 17 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
Dr. Brownstein's office is in an art gallery
in an industrial area of the city ... you walk in on the ground floor and
are in a very shi-shi gallery, with very modern art (cows made out of fur
and rusty iron, etc. Quite eclectic.
You walk up some swinging, hanging stairs,
and cross a catwalk, and straight ahead is a door which has the doctor's
name on it and says Please Knock. We did -- and a lovely woman in jeans and
a red sweater answered the door warmly, "Oh you must be Alex! Come in!" She
is followed by a barking dachshund named Frank, who goes everywhere Dr.
Brownstein goes, except for the operating room.
Brownstein himself is tall, gray haired,
in jeans, very casual -- the office is tiny and of course artsy perfect.
Trans magazines .. small coffee table, blue jean denim couch and two chairs
with straight backs and rams horns tipped with carved silver on the
tips.
He is very disarmingly charming -- seems
very professional and explains in great detail the surgery. Asks us all if
we have questions -- answers them all, and says Alex can go home an hour
and a half after surgery if she feels up to it, but that we can stay there
longer ... until she feels ready to leave. Most people leave within 2-3 hours
.... and he suggests we do so if we are going to beat the hellacious traffic
you could encounter leaving the city later than that!
We all smile and chat and then leave --
I feel as if I have been through a dream-sequence experience, and that in
a way this has calmed me down, because the whole thing is so absurd ... the
location of his office, the informality, and the art gallery where his office
is located in this out of the way San Francisco neighborhood. He oozes experience
and radiates confidence .... if he were hand-picked by a casting director,
he could not be more perfect for the job.
So -- tomorrow we rise at dawn and rush
into the city with the morning traffic, and get Alex in there by 8 am, surgery
begins at 9 am and should be 3-4 hours. I am feeling terribly calm, as if
we were going in to have a hangnail clipped. I guess the mind knows how to
protect and shield itself from more than it can manage? Why else would I
suddenly feel quite relieved and comfortable with this whole surgery???
Maybe I will fall apart this evening --
or tomorrow morning, or during surgery? I feel like an abnormal parent, a
person who is looking at this through rose colored glasses for sure! Rebecca
and Barb suggest "auto pilot" and "peaceful resignation" -- and their prayers
must be working -- because I am feeling both of those at the moment! And
it is very comforting ......
I will write more tomorrow AFTER the fact.
Love to you and the family,
Sherry
Editor's note: The surgery was a complete success,
lasting only 3 hours.
Fri, 19 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
I just crawled out of my warm bed and came
into the computer to answer messages etc. -- we are all fine, tho I haven't
even gone downstairs to check on Alex. Kat was very busy being "nurse" lat
night and doing an excellent and loving job of it -- so I left it in her
hands, realizing this was something she needed to do. Alex is installed on
the sofa downstairs, and Kat is on a little 2-seater -- I hope the night
went well for them. We told Kat to wake us up if there were any
problems.
Alex came home at 2:30 PM yesterday -- Kat
thought he should stay longer, but the nurse said he was ready to go and
we were fine. He helped us get him into the car, and we were fortunate to
have normal traffic on the way back to Mountain View where Bonnie lives.
I am so grateful to be here in her house -- Hank and I agreed this morning
that being here is a real blessing. We feel completely at home, and comfortable
-- and Alex and Kat love Bonnie as well and feel the same.
During surgery yesterday I felt a real surge
of anger -- I had seen a new (and large) tatoo on Alex's arm in the pre-op,
and that set me off. I think that anger was a necessary part of the process
of going thru this tho -- and fortunately it took place DURING surgery where
Alex was not subjected to it, and I was able to work thru some of my feelings
about this whole process. Kat was sweet and defensive about it - she was
very worried about the surgery, and uncomfortable that it wasn't in a "real
hospital" but rather in a surgery center that looked very small and
unprofessional to her. It WASN"T unprofessional -- but that was her
angst.
They were very nice to us -- and Dr. Brownstein
wandered in before surgery and talked with us, sat down and chatted etc.
He is a very kind person ... said he just started seeing families arrive
with trans people in the last few years. Before that it was the trans person
with a friend, or alone ... said he's not sure how he would feel if one of
his kids did this, even tho this is his specialty and he is very involved
in the trans community. I thought that was very honest --
I gave Alex a carved stone with a note the
night before surgery -- I don't know if it meant so much to him, but it did
to ME. It was my final acceptance. The rock had the word "always" engraved
on it .. and I wrote a note saying:
Dear Child of mine,
Always.
Always ... my baby, my daughter, my child, my son.
Always -- my dearest dream come true.
Always -- so proud of you. Your courage. Your kind heart. Your humanity.
Always .... your hugs, your smiles, your chubby little baby hands, your little
baby "snuffles".
Always .. so glad you are part of my life & Hank's
Always ... wanting your happiness
Always .... standing by you. Praying for you. Summoning guardian angels to
stay close to you.
Always loving you,
my sweet Britt
my sweet Alex
I sobbed and sobbed as I wrote that note
from my heart in Seattle before we left. Then, I forgot to bring the note
along and had to try to rewrite it the night before surgery. It was a very
cathartic and weepy evening! It must have taken oodles out of me to write
that note, because it holds such great importance to me in the process! And
then, I was really miffed that I had to ask Alex today if he had found his
little gift on the pillow -- and, he said "yes, it was nice," etc. I thought
he would feel it as much as I did .... maybe in later years it will mean
more. I knew it meant something to him .... but to me, it was the handing
of my blessing to Alex to do the surgery.
After surgery Alex was in recovery for about
two hours -- and we couldn't go in. Brownstein came out and sat down and
talked with us for a while, and said it went very well and explained what
to expect over the next 24 hours. Gave us his home number, cell number, office
number, and pager -- and said we should call whenever, for whatever, and
to feel he is reachable any time. Kat called when we got home as she thought
the drains were clogging -- got that taken care of, and I think she felt
better that we really COULD reach him so easily!
Pain level is controlled by Percoset, which
makes Alex sleep -- but during the evening he walked to the bathroom, ate
a ham sandwich and some Gatorade, watched some tv, laughed and joked with
us, and was generally not really in pain. I know that will change today and
tomorrow, as Brownstein said to expect the 2nd and 3rd days to be the worst
-- and to be sure Alex stayed ahead of the pain and took the pain pills every
6 hours.
Our daughter Adriana (I called her in the
evening) reacted in a very miffed and cold way -- which totally surprised
me. She had been over to say goodbye to Alex an Kat and seemed supportive.
But she is angry too .... and again expressed that she thinks this is "wrong"
and that Alex should have waited, should have gone to a counselor for years
first.
felt very unsettled by that ... but Hank
and I talked later and I realized she was expressing the same "anger" we
all have at having to adjust to this and at life having thrown this in our
path!! I was just so tired last night that I had trouble sorting things
out.
Later in the evening, Kat started to cry,
and she was very reluctant for us to go upstairs and wanted Hank and I to
stay in the downstairs room with her and Alex for a while ... wanted us around
etc. She was embarrassed to be crying, and actually sobbed -- we massaged
her back and neck and hugged her and patted her, and she calmed down ---
I then realized she was ALSO expressing that "anger" and grief at what Alex
has done, and that it is just a necessary part of our journey.
Alex understood well, and hugged her and
whispered to her, and they finally laughed and settled down to watch a movie!
I explained to Alex how Adriana was feeling -- how we ALL felt some of that
-- and he nodded and said he understood and accepted that we felt that way.
It was very cathartic and I think we all benefited from having finally expressed
some of that ......... and yet remain supportive.
I would have called Barb and Rebecca after
surgery too but realized I don't have their phone numbers. I am so grateful
for their caring and support, and want them to have all the minute details
so that they will have something to go on when their sons have surgery.
I was amazed, really, that we all stayed
so calm and "together" during the actual surgery ..... that "auto pilot"
sure is a good thing! At one point I realized I was starting to get in touch
with my emotions, and I immediately TURNED OFF and went back on auto-pilot
realizing that if I cried two tears, I was going to flood the waiting room
and go to pieces.
Hank and I have literally clung to each
other throughout this whole process. We have cried together, and individually
... we have recognized that we were grieving, and have gone through so much
in the past 8 years.
This past year has made the others seem
like kid-stuff! Since we discovered that Alex really WAS going to transition
from f to m , we have experienced everything from fear, to anger that this
is happening at all, to denial, to resignation, to a relapsed sense of grief.
We are losing our daughter. We know that. No matter how many photos we put
around the house of her as the young woman she was becoming, she is NOT going
to be that young lady. We discuss how one relates to a son, when we are used
to relating to a daughter.
Both of us draw on each other's strengths,
and sometimes we collapse together in a heap of weaknesses! I cannot imagine
what this process would be like for two parents who don't have a solid, strong
relationship, one that will survive life's great demands. Thank God we are
in this together. Hank is my rock .... and I think I am also his at many
times as well. We are rock and granite, and Alex is our earthquake!! I think
I just take for granted that Hank is there, behind me and beside me and we
are both ready to pick up the pieces when they fall, together.
Cindy, thanks for your prayers and for caring
so much. I am off to start another day.
Take care, and love to all,
Sherry
Sat, 20 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
Today was Alex's two-day checkup with Brownstein
-- everything is good, no bruising, and he is very pleased. He loosened the
binder and changed dressings, and we go back on Tues. to remove the stitches.
Alex is up and around a lot more today -- able to get off the sofa alone,
able to make his own lunch, go get juices etc. Then he rests a lot -- tired
etc. But feeling better today. Last night he felt awful .. very uncomfortable
but he said not in severe pain, just discomfort!! I am amazed at the
process.
Katherine went to the doctor's appt. this
morning and then we left her in San Francisco to go to her sister's home
for dinner -- she is coming back on the train at 9:20. I think she needed
to get away and see her sister (who has trouble with this whole process and
relationship)...and they needed to spend time together!
I, myself, felt like running away today
-- so Hank and I went out and left Alex alone for a while and we went to
the video shop and got Tea with Mussolini, Return to Me, and one other one
which I can't remember!!! :) Not surprising. I had a meltdown during Tea
with Mussolini ... started crying and felt anxiety going all thru me, so
I boo-hooed a bit and came up here to write.
I made a Cuban paella (food) to take to
visit our friends Jack and Jean tomorrow. We are meeting them in San Mateo
for lunch at a Chinese restaurant. I know he will love having some Cuban
food!!
I'm going to sign off early -- please forgive
me, but I need to get in touch with Adriana and Gabriela, and to just "veg
out" in front of the tv. Love you, and thanks again for all your
support.
Much love to all,
Sherry
Sun, 21 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
I'm back -- I have taken a bath in the most
extraordinary bathroom you could imagine! A huge garden tub, with 6 enormous
3-wick candles in glass and silver holders, surrounded by 6 foot tall windows
and beveled glass mirrors. I just sat there and thought -- and enjoyed the
room! Luxury!!
I am so bone tired -- Hank said the same
thing! We are both very exhausted, I think from "being brave" and trying
to see this only from the best, most positive viewpoint. And I DO -- but
I also feel a confusion and sadness. Not that I don't understand what is
happening and has happened ... but just trying to wrap my mind around the
incredible reality of the fact that I had a daughter who chose to become
a son! I'm not sure you know what I mean -- but I just thought I would try
and explain it, so that you could see how rattled even an "accepting parent"
can get!!
Maybe my sadness is related to the fact
that George W. took over today ....
Love you --
Sherry
Sun, 21 Jan 2001
Hi again --
I wonder if I will be ashamed of my reactions,
caving in to tears etc. I just don't know right now, because I am feeling
so weepy and don't know why!
I accepted (intellectually) some time ago
that Britt was going to actually become Alex; that the only path I could
take was one of acceptance and positive support. But, I have let the smallest
annoyances topple me at times .. as if my strength was dependent on everything
going perfectly, and recognizing that how I "react" is how others will as
well (friends, the doctor, my child, her partner, etc. etc.)
I knew what I "needed" to do --- and say,
and I also knew and know that I need to acknowledge my deep, real feelings
that have not quite caught up with the reality of our lives. I thought of
all the parents who no longer have their children, and I tell myself I am
so lucky to have this wonderful child, whether a "he" or a "she", that I
am ungrateful and spoiled to have thoughts that are anything less than
positive.
I know that is not true. I know it is human.
And I am certainly having to come face to face with my vulnerability as a
human being .. my life, like my child's, has taken a turn that was unexpected
.... and I want to be up to the challenge and I want to be the strong person
I have discovered myself to be so that my children understand that life is
a gift, and that this situation we are facing is not going to topple us in
any way. We are going to be there for our child.
You are part of our journey, as are Barb
and Rebecca. I feel as if I have had the four of you, and Chris, and Linda
standing beside me saying "you can do it, we can do it, it can be done!!"
and that has made an enormous difference.
Love and goodnight,
Sherry
Sun, 21 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
I feel much better and rested today and
am looking forward to going over to Jack and Jean's! A good night's sleep
is really necessary when you are emotionally stressed, isn't it? Cooking
helped too -- and the candlelight tub soak was another good destresser.
I actually have a clearer picture of why
I was so upset last night -- it had little to do with Alex per se, but I
had called Gabriela and had mentioned how angry Adriana was, and she confirmed
it and tried to calm me. But, I really felt upset and sad that my whole family
wasn't in accord and that this had to be the time we all felt tangled
up!!
When Adriana came out last February it was
very anti-climatic --- tho for HER it was a trauma, I could tell. In actuality,
we were so much into Alex's process that... one more lesbian did not a trauma
make!!! :) I was just glad to see that Adriana had found her niche and seemed
so much more at ease!
Although I really do think that the process
is fairly "complete" now that Alex has undergone the surgery. I am ready
to say "uncle" and let things go as they are ... Alex seems happy, and I
can't hope for more!
I'll be in touch tonight after going to
San Mateo -- I must say this is a wonderful area to live in. I had forgotten
... except for the prices and the traffic, it is ideal. Beautiful, great
climate, bird singing right in the cities, etc. etc. I may have to come here
once a year for a week just to enjoy it!
Take care, love to all of you,
Sherry
Sun, 21 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
We left about 11:30 and went to our friends'
house in San Mateo. Had a really good visit, and it was nice to get away
for a while. Later we drove up a gorgeous road where I used to live out in
the country, in a gate-keepers' cottage behind a lovely mansion up in the
foothills! So nice -- we drove past the same fields and orchards, full of
thoroughbreds, on our way up!
Came home and Alex came upstairs, feeling
very exhilarated as he was actually dressed in jeans and a shirt. Told me
he had had his first cathartic cry .... I was alarmed for a minute thinking
she missed her breasts, but then he grinned and said he had looked down and
his chest looked "right as it should be" for the first time in his life!
A good sign, don't you think?
This evening he helped Kat make dinner ...
a huge salad and mushroom ravioli in a home-made sauce. He is definitely
on the mend .... and it's happening so quickly! If I didn't feel so weirded
out by Adriana's attitude, I would say all was hunky dorey!! I am still feeling
irked and upset by her comments .... oh well, you can't make ALL your children
happy ALL the time. It's impossible!!
In a way I'm eager to get home (but not
before next Sunday!!! :) to tackle my garage, Christmas decorations, etc
. and to see the dogs! Start our garden for Spring -- problems OTHER than
Alex or my other kids. It will be a renaissance of sorts ... LOL
Nothing new to report -- except that it
is wonderful to see Alex feeling better and pleased with his new chest! He
hasn't even really seen it without bandages yet!
Love to all,
Sherry
Mon, 22 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
Tomorrow at 11 Alex gets his stitches out
-- a big day. All is well, no bruising, and the grafts are looking perfect
according to Brownstein.
Got a note from Adriana saying she didn't
know how to deal with all this stuff, but that she was writing a note so
that I wouldn't think she was just being ugly and refusing to write -----
that's a good sign. I wrote and thanked her and reassured her that I loved
her and that we could thrash this out ONLY if we have conversation!!
Take care --- Alex says hello and thanks
you for your support! Hank and Katherine go back to Seattle on Tuesday, to
get back to work. Alex and I will stay on here until Sunday.
Love to all,
Sherry
Thu, 25 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
Good afternoon -- well almost 5 pm here.
We went up to the City and got the stitches out -- not uncomfortable in any
way. I was able to see Dr. Brownstein's artistry -- the man is definitely
an artist. No puffiness, no bruising, everything is so clean and beautifully
done!
Alex is, as we speak, in his first shower
since last Wednesday! Today was a red letter day for him. I again reiterate
that Brownstein is an amazingly kind and generous human being, his office
staff is warm and friendly, and I would recommend him to any parent -- he
is more than willing to talk to anyone, no rush.
This afternoon we went out for Mexican food
-- then to a few shops looking for things for Alex. He found nothing. I found
two silk shirts -- Of course, I'm going home Sunday and starting on an austerity
program!!!!
Bonnie's ex husband is coming over later
to see us -- he is very homophobic and can't promise he will behave -- but
we all love Ed, and he was a big part of Alex's summers as a child. Alex
used to come to San Francisco and spend time here with Joanna, Bonnie and
Ed's daughter who is now living in the Andes Mountains in Venezuela with
her boyfriend, who makes rain sticks! Ed was great with kids and always played
and teased them --
Otherwise, we are going to have left-overs
this evening from three previous meals -- and probably eat another box of
chocolates like we did last night!! Yum!! Home to beans and rice ....
I am off to watch OPRAH .. and another evening
sitting on Bonnie's bed (Alex, Bonnie and me) watching Millionaire and ER
and eating chocolates!! It's quite a life!! I am hoping Hank has taken down
our Christmas tree at home ..... at least that would be a start! I'm dying
to see my dogs!
Love,
Sherry
Sat, 27 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
Good Morning! This is our last day -- Alex
is still sleeping -- I will pack and go to a few places I need to revisit.
Of all things, I found bath mats here in exactly the cinnamon color I need
so I will buy some of those and ship them home -- I am going to miss having
Bonnie around, so it will seem quite lonely without a real, good friend!
I really have none like these at home.
This whole process of Alex's has honed my
sense of who is a real friend and who is an acquaintance ... I have really
needed the love and warmth of my true friends, and it has helped me through
all of this. My new on-line friends, and my few old-time friends have been
my strength and have been as important to me as my faith ..... I feel they
have been God-sent, and that I have been so very lucky.
I understand that many other people have
been unable to "be there" for Hank and me -- the trans issue has just been
too much for them to take on. They want their lives to be simple and predictable,
and to take on Alex's process and our emotions would be extremely difficult
if not impossible for them. I don't resent that --- I just note it, and hope
that I myself have learned enough from this to be there for others, no matter
what their situation. I hope it has made me a more compassionate and less
judgmental person. I hope it has opened me to all the many possibilities
that exist .. not that I would embrace them, but that I would be able to
understand other's need to make them reality for themselves, and that I can
offer loving support. I feel quite at peace with Alex's situation --- the
surgery and Dr. Brownstein gave that finality to me.
Guess I am on my soapbox ... will jump off
now and go to shower and get on with the day!
Love you,
Sherry
Mon, 29 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
Home at last! We arrived around 5 pm and
took Kat and Alex home -- then went over to a favorite restaurant in their
area (and called them and asked them to join us if they wanted) -- the four
of us had dinner, and then Hank and I headed home! So good to see my puppies!!!
Hank had the place all cleaned up, and four separate bouquets of flowers
throughout the house, including lovely red roses! NICE! I felt quite
welcomed!!
On the way home in the car I realized I really
HAD completed the acceptance process! There was a one-month old baby girl
on the plane... dressed in pink from head to toe, wrapped in a lovely pink
shawl, sitting right across the aisle from us. I cooed and told her mom how
lovely she was, and enjoyed seeing their nuzzling and cuddling throughout
the flight.
In the car with Hank and Kat and Alex I
commented in amazement that that was the FIRST time in 2 years that I haven't
looked almost bitterly at a baby girl and thought to myself "Yeah, yeah!!
Enjoy her while you can, because lady you have NO idea the heartache ahead
of you, and no idea WHAT she will turn out to be".
That is pretty sad and full of self-pity,
don't you think? This time I just enjoyed the baby, and those disquieting
thoughts never entered my mind! What a relief --- I feel I am "home" and
that my heart has settled down. Alex and I shared a CD player (one earphone
each) all the way home, and I looked at him several times during the flight
and thought "yes, you ARE a guy. My son." I wanted to pinch his dimpled
cheeks!!
I am trying to unwind, unpack, and generally
get reorganized .... no sun here at all, just anther dreary, drizzly day!
I really did enjoy that California sun and cold air -- plus being with Bonnie,
who is a real "upper". She was the right person for the job! Alex and Kat
and Hank all said so too!
Love to all,
Sherry
Wed, 31 Jan 2001
Dear Cindy,
Looking around me, I realize that now that
this whole thing with Alex is over, I must, absolutely MUST get back into
life and straighten up this house --- we have a garage full of stuff that
needs to be sorted, and put away, not to mention book cases to arrange, etc.
I think I went through a non-energy period, using it all to deal with Alex
and his situation! I hadn't realized how MUCH emotional energy that required.
Of course it was necessary and well-spent .
I don't know if it is better to get it over
FAST or SLOWLY. I realize that I was in a state of zombie-like depression
-- doing all the things I knew I should, smiling a lot and calming other
people and trying to reassure THEM -- but I think I needed that time to convince
my brain that although this is contrary to anything I ever thought could
happen, it WAS happening and I had no choice but to hang on to my child and
try to keep up.
By the time I reached out to
TransFamily, I was in desperate need of help .... needed to
know that there were other families out there who had gone through this
transition and survived it, and whose children were indeed happy with their
transition. Having gone through a similar process with P-FLAG when Alex came
out as a lesbian was helpful ... it reminded me that we WOULD come out of
this ok.
But, it also frustrated me because I felt
that we should be able to adjust more quickly ... and we weren't. I was digging
my heels in, and hoping Alex would change her (his) mind BEFORE the surgery.
Prayed right up to the last minute about that. But by the end, my prayer
had changed and I was asking that Alex be certain this was what she (he)
wanted ... that he would never regret his decision, which ever way he
decided.
For me, I think TIME was my friend. I wondered
at times if I didn't belong in a counselor's office at the very least ...
maybe even an asylum! I kept asking myself if I was sane ...... but you and
Barb and Rebecca (from TransFamily) were there, and were my lifeline. Mary
Boenke's book -- Those friendships and time reassured me and helped me through
the darkest times. I think they are over now ... but I know enough about
the process to realize I could wake up six months from now and "relapse"
... cry and rant that I want my "daughter" back. Who knows?? It is a process.
Step by step.
TransFamily serves a very
important function, and it cannot be said enough that we parents need to
reach out & talk to other parents and transgendered people. It is like
a cosmic hug the first time another person writes back to our tentative email
and acknowledges the fear and the panic we feel in the beginning of this
process.
I feel very close to my
TransFamily friends .. they know things about me that no one
else besides my husband knows. They have kicked me off the pity-pot numerous
times ... and they have comforted me and "hugged" me when I most needed to
be reassured. They have put aside their own angst and fear long enough to
write and prop me up when I was feeling hopeless ....and they have shared
their own vulnerabilities and heart-felt desperation. That is rare in this
world! It made all the difference.
NO book, NO amount of information, is the
same as being able to voice your worst fears and to express the thoughts
aloud that you are sure you SHOULDN'T have,but in fact DO. Nothing is more
comforting than the affirmations of another parent or person who understands
thru experience your pain and frustration.
Talk to you later in the day -- I am off
to shower and get BUSY!!!!!
Love,
Sherry